You are all you need
Often we put our worthiness into the hands of someone else. It's a trick as old as time. If I can get this person to like me or approve of me, then all of my problems will be solved. But it doesn't work like that. You have to seek your own approval, your own self-love. And that is especially hard, when it has been conditioned into you that you do not deserve compassion or kindness. The work for me these past few years has been a journey of identity. I am pulling back the veil and seeing the glory and potential in myself. That is a profound acknowledgement.
Sometimes though, there is a little glimmer of movement in the corner of my eye and as I look over, I submerge myself waist deep into someone else's story. I get addicted to their life and what they are doing, in order to avoid my own expansion. Don't get me wrong. I have spent and will spend my time and resources lifting up others as much as possible. I believe it is partly why I have been gently placed on Mother Earth in the first place. But as Aaron Doughty rightly suggests,
Be the star in your own movie, not the cameo role.
Now that doesn't come from an egoic structure. To me it means, putting your connection to your heart before anything else. This seemingly 'selfish' notion actually could save humanity. Putting your heart first means self-care and compassion. It means whispering gentle words of encouragement when you are rejected, or having a hot shower to wash off a day that felt slightly off. It means saying yes to something you've always wanted to do, in order for you to expand again and again and again. It means looking in the mirror with mantras that burn away the toxic nonsense you had told yourself since you were a child. It means eating that piece of cake you enjoy and not berating yourself. It means writing that script- whether you think it's terrible or not. Getting up and going with passion and determination for your own creativity. It means showing up. Showing up to feel the burns and breaks of the warriors battles and evolving beyond your wildest dreams.
When I put myself first, I have space to take care of others much more. It seems nonsensical but proof is in the pudding. Since looking after my own heart and spirit, I can listen with much less judgement to my friends and their experiences. It means I show up to social events without a bizarre character I used to play. I don't exhaust myself meeting up with people I'm not on a vibrational level with. I can sit in knowing that in the present moment, I am safe and seen. And therefore can be a space of safety with the other person. I don't cater to people's whims. I don't go out clubbing on a Saturday and get shitfaced because a mate tries to coax me. If I felt the pull to go, I would be there, but often my intuition leads me somewhere else.
There is a fresh challenge too for my soul right now. It's the hardest thing to do this evolutionary soul searching and expanding work when you are newly attracted to someone. I've noticed that the old pattern of codependency wants to latch onto the necks of those Queer Goddess' I've met and there are hopes that this person will somehow see you in your glory and save you from yourself. But not this time ego.
There is the awareness now of this toxic thread that had weaved its way in my past so often. There is an old egoic longing for a knight in shining armour to break down the door and fix everything. But now, I am my own knight. I sit and feel the agonising pain in my chest as the old stale belief systems beg for attention. It shifts around uncomfortably, but as I meditate and cry things out, I can feel this inner resolve and strength come floating to the surface. My most profound understanding, came from Ralph Smart's wisdom who I adore with every inch of my being.
You have everything you need inside of you.
Ahhh. When I heard this, I stopped what I was doing and exhaled for the first time in two days. It's so true. It's such a profound knowing that tears are leaving my eyes now as I type.
No one on the outside can do the work to heal your pain. Your friends are there to hold you. If your family are a space of love then that is equally as empowering. But a partner will not patch you up. You have to fill in the missing pieces and let yourself be loved by your own heart. That's where the real healing is. In the knitty gritty, darkness that you've avoided for so long. It's a long and amazing journey. And as I've noticed, someone will crop up when you least expect it. Someone will be there when you aren't looking desperately for them. And that's beautiful synchronistic magic lining you up with those who match where you are right now.
I have everything I need inside of me. And when I tap into that power, I feel myself soar with love and endless creativity. I challenge you to look into your own soul. Your answers all sit waiting for you. You are glorious beyond measure. If you don't believe me, just ask your heart.