• Queerious Podcast

the big leap

Oh God. Oh all forms of the universe. Oh Pizza.

I've got to make a big decision in 15 minutes. In 15 minutes I will have to have a phone conversation that will radically alter the course of my future. Is that dramatic? Yes and no.

There was a company that I helped set up. We built a raft together for children who were tired of boring patriarchal 2D stories. A theatre company for children. We sailed down choppy waters for three years and extended the raft to more of a lifeboat. Piece by piece. More and more people were clambering on board to join the journey and the quality of the sailing was definitely improving. I learnt how to tie knots in the ropes without the initial burns. In fact, I started to learn how to talk to other shipmates and get them on board. Suddenly we formed a sail from patchworks pieces. It was plain sailing.

Then the storm came. Inside of my chest. I don't think I can be co-captain of this ship anymore. I have to dive into the depth of unknown, with all the deep-seated fears of loneliness and unemployment and leaving egoic success, to swim to shores anew.

In 11 minutes, I have to pick up the phone in 11 minutes and impart this news to someone who I love and believe in so intensely. ARGH. There is a panic restricting my throat. But if I don't make this decision, then the boat and all those on board won't be able to sail anymore. It would lose all sense of direction. I may as well start chipping out pieces of wood with my penknife to quicken its inevitable demise.

10 minutes away and the fear is still there. Not trusting my own judgement, I've reached out to copious mates who have all imparted the same wisdom. It has to be a decision I make for myself. No more skirting around or hoping my fairy godmother will rock up and save me. I am my own fairy godmother and need to grant the wish that will release me from a lamp and help me talk to singing candlesticks and all that Disneyfied life.

8 minutes now. My granny said I should stay for the security. She reminded me that her and Grandad started with nothing and how they always made decisions based on the financial stability. When she said that I felt my heart sink and knew what my soul was calling to me. As she always does, she imparted more words of wisdom too. That she was from a different era and that was it was always a fear she had; to be without the financial anchor. She was vulnerable enough to admit it was fear that took the steering wheel. Mann, I love her.

7 minutes to go and I know what I have to do. 6 minutes. I had to read all that back to remind myself it's the right decision.

5 minutes to go and my guardian angel shared this text with me. 'Know right to the core of your being that what ever decision you make will be the right one because you are the creator of your own reality... so create on purpose and with purpose and with love'.

She's right. 4 minutes and she's hit the nail on the head. Whatever decision I make in the end will always be right because it is what is done. The perfection of the unknown.

Oh God. Oh Pizza. My palms are sweaty, knees weak- arms are heavy, there's porridge on my sweater already- not mums spaghetti. (Remix of Eminem to remind myself to not take this too seriously).

How will she react? I don't know. But I can feel tears coming already because it's the last string that needs to be cut in order for us both to be free.

2 minutes to go. And I look up at the sky. Take a deep breath in and see the vastness. The possibility in the letting go.

Pastures new. My calling seems to be leading me to work in a jugular landscape. 1 minute. Oh God, I hope the call is made on time otherwise I have to wait longer than these 60 seconds. I don't think I've been this nervous since... Since stepping onto stage for the company to sing in front of people for the first time. But I did it. And I grew. Now I need to grow again.

Go forward. Step forward. Leap forward. It's 16:00 now. Looking at my phone screen. It's 24th October 2019. And everything is about to change.


She's 1 minute late. I had a vision spring into my head. I'm standing looking up at the sky. And a huge silver beam of light is pouring out of the centre of my chest and joining the sky. It felt in that moment like love and vastness and freedom.

Fuck. She's calling.