I'm about to use Veganism as an analogy, brace yourselves...
When I was happily gnawing away at meat and dairy, there was nothing more frustrating than someone taking a jab at what I was eating. I didn't give a flying pig (thank you, I thought of that one myself) whether animals had been slaughtered or what casomorphin was. All I wanted to do was happily enjoy my meal. No, I don't want to hear about your new fitness regime, when no one at the table asked about it and you are trying to get people to 'fix themselves'. Leave me alone!
In contrast the things that moved me toward Veganism, were the unspoken changes I'd noticed in others. Asking a friend why they had oodles more energy, led me to learn about their new lifestyle choice. I then consciously wanted to engage with documentaries and absorb the contrasting thoughts across the nutrition world. It was my own decision to change and it was influenced by tiny ripples from other people. If someone had slammed Forks over Knives infront of my face and told me to watch it, I would have thrown it out of the window and grabbed a pepperami.
What is the relevance to this blog Jen? Well, for the past few months wading in exhaustion it hit me like a tonne of bricks. Oh bollocks. I've been that annoying human who is trying to convince everyone that my way is the best way. I've not always sat in quiet gratitude for where I am right now. I've been chasing the future and swerving past my own transformation to reach someone elses path. I've even been trying to build it for them. ' Oh please, allow me to chisel away at these bricks so your path will look as perfect as mine!' Meanwhile, my path is neglected and overgrowing with doubt and selfloathing...
I've been meeting with friends and trying to help their journey by providing 'answers' that only apply to me. 80% of the time, people haven't asked for advice. I thought that they needed to hear some bullshit quote by Dr Fondu in 1888 and wouldn't want to spend time with me. I've been foolish enough to mask over my vulnerability.
I know better than anyone, that simply being there with a friend without words and solutions is often more giving than pulling out your magic box (steady now) and trying to fix everything. There is nothing to fix Jen! And you trying to fix others only reflects how you have been avoiding the real work which lies with you. No one around you is broken. It is your mindset that has fractured into pieces.
I feel really embarrassed typing all this out. Yet, that's the truth of where I am right now. There would be no good in me pretending that I'm plain sailing through this. Mike Posner is one of my favourite musicians ever and his lyrics always find a resonance with me. Here's one I'm vibing with right now.
Remember, change is like a pendulum.
There is so much truth in that statement. I keep swinging towards this blissful, open and loving state where opportunity and blessings are countless. It's pure flow of energy and the feeling is like nothing else. Cut to the contrast and I'm panicking in a messy pit where the darkness is overwhelming and I'm trying to cover up the hole by burrying myself into it further. Thinking about the future, panicking I'm not enough. It's exhausting.
I have to be kind to myself too though. I'm doing the work. I am turning up and facing it, even when I'd rather not. Even when I make mistakes, there is perfection in those mistakes too. It was a big slap in the face, when I found myself consistently attracting into my world very highly strung people and closed off people. Why were they all of sudden cropping up? Because that's exactly who I was. What did I really expect?
I'm getting back into the quiet appreciation for everything. More time in reflection and the bliss of the present moment. More time getting creative and stepping into 2020 in stillness. In gratitude. And in the ever changing 'Jen' who is in metamorphisis. Who knows, maybe this time next year I will be half Jen, half pig. I hope they have an oinkment for that...
(I know, sorry)