Let it go
Winter is cocooning season. Taking solace in pitch black evenings, inhaling mother nature's delicious air, crunching footsteps into the icy earth and soaking in the moon rays in all her luminous glory. (The moon has blown my mind this month). I’m a sucker for the romance of Christmas. Open fires, cuddling, evenings with hands wrapped around hot chocolate. Yet this time of love and reunion is my first one in six years being single.
I never thought that I would say this, but I’m really looking forward to spending the festive season without "another half"- (which is a screwed up notion anyway!). Being on my own has doubled up my blue powerranger power and I'm happier than I have ever been before. And time with family is so important. By family I mean the notion of a group of people who love and support you. I know for some of us being around biological family is either one horrific long passage of time or simply not possible. I hope you take some time to soak in all the love that is around you at this time of quiet rest/chaos. You can soak in some of this lovin' right here too.
I'll tell you what, I'm finally putting some things to rest.
I’m ready to let go and bury all of the pain, grief and chaos of 2019.
Today, I sit in exhaustion and humble gratitude for the endless opportunities that cropped up to expand this year. Was it all roses? Absolutely not. I am still picking thistles out of my backside. This year was like fighting Floyd Mayweather with a tea cosy over my head and a pack of noodles for defence.
I was lost and I suppose in a sense I still am. But there is such beauty in the confusion of placing yourself in the world. When you lose your partner’s love, who are you without it? When you lose your home, then where do you find comfort? When you lose your job role, then what do you provide? When you lose a family member, how do you continue without them? It comes back to the same anchor point. Finding out what you truly are.
For me, connecting to my soul has awoken me to the real world. A reminder of what truly lurks beneath my white skin, terrible jokes and curly brown hair. That I am a small part of the cosmos connected to billions of other across this planet. That I carry with me my ancestors strength and love. That whatever life comes at me with, there is a way to deal with it somehow. All of the deeds on the outside can only be fully seen and altered with a deep rooted connection from inside. I still feel ferocious fear but I’ve reprogrammed my mind to think of it as a signal to suggest a big lesson is about to arrive. That way, I’m more eager to leap into the fire of vulnerability because I know I’m growing even in the squirming discomfort.
Over the next few weeks, I'll be doing a huge journaling session pulling apart this year, but on my mind right now is 2019's big revelation. I want to question what my standards and perhaps what your standards for friendship or relationships have been this year...
Are your standards for letting people into your world scraping-the-floor low? How many energy drainers do you surround yourself with? If someone doesn't get back to you for a couple weeks, it's probably because they aren't as invested as you as you are in them. You know how it feels from the otherside; receiving a text and not replying straight away because you aren't too bothered in that moment. It's a real wake up call when you leave nearly every meeting with a friend feeling like you've been driven over by a ten tonne truck. Only in sheafing the wheat from the chaff so to speak, can I allow my energy to remain consistent and centred. I won't be meeting with 40 people this Christmas out of obligation, because I can't keep giving myself to any Ed, Edd or Eddy anymore. It's my own responsibility to value myself enough to know when to say no. That's been a big guilty feeling but that guilt is misplaced and conditioned so fuck feeling bad for not wanting to feel bad!
I won’t tolerate hiding anymore. I want to be with someone who loves me including all of my weird vibes and is cool with holding hands on the street. Conversations and passionate allyship. Fuck shallow. I’ve never been good at shallow but I thought that was my own problem. Now I see it as a mighty strength. You can only paddle in shallow waters. I want to dive right in.
I’ll tell you what, 2020 is going to be incredible. I can’t wait for a huge santa sack full of adventures to come crashing into the world. I’m so excited to have the courage to engage with someone with great emotional intelligence, spiritual connection and passion for life. To ask them out for a coffee rather than worry that no one could possibly be interested. And if they say no, laugh it off and keep growing. Keep growing. Keep growing.
My question at the start of 2019 was
'What the hell is going to happen if I let go?'
Now my question into 2020 is
'What more can happen if I keep letting go?'
And so I end with the words of Elsa from Frozen. Because how profound can one blog be?
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway
I am wishing you a peaceful Christmas. If you don't celebrate this holiday or if you anticipate this month to be a bleak time of grief, reach out to someone who you know hears you and loves you as much as you love them. Take time for self-care and remember just how incredible you are. You've broken through every single crisis life may have thrown at you. I mean, if you can do that you can do anything!
So much love and festive cheer,
Jen x (and Elsa)