• Queerious Podcast


Wish I had no expectations, wish I could get it through your head. With no confrontations, really wish we could talk about it instead. But I expect, you expect, we expect.

The words of Lauren Jauregui (bisexual singer-songwriter, ex-member of Fifth Harmony and Goddess)

I think one thing that's been interesting during this time of global reflection is my understanding of the expectations we as a collective can place on other people and our 'future'.

We hold expectations about who our partner should be. We construct an adorable Pingu model and carry it around with us happily, expecting it to complete us with its shiny orange flippers. Yet when the flippers start to slap the ground in an annoying rhythm or we hear Pingu calling us a 'afallacodeymeepmeep', we start to see the clay falling from our preconceived notions of who we met. We'd covered up the real Pingu, with our ideal Pingu. We don't like to see what is actually in front of us. This Pingu was actually called Brenda.

We expect all of our wishes and desires to be carried out in the exact way we'd like them. To have an A to Z through life so we know where we will be in 20 years. Haway mann Jen, this is the worst one for me. Sometimes I struggle to sit back, trust and watch the journey unfold. I like to steer the ship, even if it means that I'm heading towards rocks. 'Oh well, at least I'm the captain!'. Naaaa, you need to enjoy not knowing how things will guide you to the highest version of you. That's where the magic is. I have enough evidence through manifestations now, to know that the gentle nudges towards a certain building, person or website will end up leading you where you need to be. It's never what or where you expected to find magic.

Of course, the hardest expectations to let go of, are in the future goals or dreams we had. Next month, I was supposed to be in Berlin on a hugely exciting project. Yet here I am; in me mam and dad's house, enjoying the freedom of green fields and my inner child wrestling around to old triggers. (which I am finally listening to and gently letting go of.) A lot of us had expectations for our careers, our companies, our children, our Spring of 2020, our family dynamics and friendships.

Now we grieve for those dreams as we sit in the present moment. We grieve for the family members who we expected to be around forever, gently slipping away. Or sometimes not so gently. We grieve for the month of April being unlike the month we had envisioned in our minds. We grieve for those we don't even know as we feel the expectation of being immortal floating away from us.

Expecting the best right now, could be seen as naive. But I wholeheartedly believe each thing that is sent to try us, is there for our greatest evolution. That doesn't always mean we'll be skipping through fields holding hands. Infact, it can mean that we are sludging through the trenches with rats up to our elbows, looking for that one fragment of light in the distance. But when we clamber out, having dealt with the unseen pain and fear, we are transformed.

We've said for so long the world needs to stop. And here we are. We've been conditioned to believe what really matters more than anything is the economy and our individual success. But look around. We have key workers showing us that what really matters is compassion, care, stretching a hand and being loving toward all. Irregardless of their preconceived label. They deserve to be paid ten times the amount they are paid. They deserve to be held in an infinitely higher esteem than the corporates and bigwig bankers are seen.

So are all expectations bad? Absolutely not. Great leaders had expectations that we could change collective consciousness through loving action. But they didn't expect it to happen in a linear way or to happen overnight. They did it with a spirit of love. And now, that is the only thing I expect from every morning as I wake up. Love.

Love is the most powerful energy in the universe. It's something we cringe at because we are conditioned to see it as weaker than economy, weaker than business. But it is what binds us together. What is waking these nurses up in the morning to help through exhaustion? Love. What is encouraging us to donate or volunteer? Love. What is urging us to connect through Skype calls with our granny as she sits isolated in her home? Love.

In the present moment, without being inundated with thoughts and doubt, there is love, love and love. Even when I'm sobbing into me nike t-shirt or furious at Bojo the clown, underneath it all is love. Love is the one thing I expect and although I may not know what tomorrow will bring, I will be using loving action everyday to manifest a world I know is possible. As the illusion of future falls away, I see the love in everything. Sometimes it's so overwhelming I start crying. (Big surprise there...) Not taking for granted each moment of connection and being present to love is what our new earth needs.

Here's a picture of what I imagine Brenda looks like. Not that I expect anything from it. Just sending you love as always, you gorgeous divine human.