I am sat alone, looking out at a beautiful and gloomy sky. Pale and whispy blue, with grey clouds swarming ominously. It's 9pm and soon I'll go to bed alone, then wake up alone. I'll have my porridge alone then pull myself together to meet friends for a birthday get together. Then I'll be alone again.
I'm not used to being alone really. I spent six years connected to the hip with my ex. Whether it was holding her in my arms in the morning, having a shower whilst she brushed her teeth, eating breakfast together, going off to work and messaging stupid selfies all day, then getting home to yabber on about our respective days. On reflection, even the simplest task needed to be relayed back, so that we were in constant contact. Of course when you are in this loved up and co-dependent state, you can't see just how rewarding some space can be. In fact, space feels dangerous and a threat to the stability in your relationship. Every time I wanted space, I panicked that I was betraying the trust of my partner and being selfish. I know there were moments where she felt the same. Now I have all the space I could ever want. Translation: I am as single as a pringle and no where near ready to mingle. Who knew as a human, we could feel totally free and absolutely terrified at the same time?
I'm slowly building the confidence back to spend time alone. It's difficult isn't it, when you have only recently started building a positive relationship with yourself? I've noticed that Fanfiction, Instagram, Tumblr and Camila's Twitter seem to be more enticing than ever. From extensive 'how to deal with a Queer breakup' research on google, this behaviour is totally normal. Apparently when we are hooked on our devices, we are numbing or distracting ourselves from the level of pain we are feeling. That could be the pain of rejection, exhaustion, grief, heartbreak. These all ring true for me.
On the flip side, there are countless positive changes I have experienced from being alone. This time has allowed me to visit places I've always wanted to go, push myself to sign up for terrifying workshops, book in self-care, cook what I want, eat what I want, go where I want. There doesn't need to be the negotiation or discussion with anyone but ME! Woooahh, it's been exhilarating. In fact, I just wolfed down a full vegan roast followed by two pieces of Waitrose chocolate torte (expensive and delicious, I am worth it). But most importantly, I have spent time totally and utterly alone. And I have survived.
Freedom post-relationship comes in a painful package; rose-tinted nostalgia about the past, moments of despair about how to function, reminders EVERYWHERE about that person. But actually, it is being revealed to me that we as humans are capable of a huge amount when we spend time alone, reconnecting with ourselves, our dreams and ambitions. We don't need someone to be there all the time to thrive. Some of the most powerful and remarkable humans I know, are on their journey alone and use their energy to improve themselves and the world around them.
So if you are perhaps in a place where you're looking to date, or you're in a relationship now, please remember that you have your OWN brilliant identity. Keep working on your skills and build your ambitions. Don't give up everything you enjoy and sacrifice your wellbeing for someone else. Compromise is important but moreso is being true to who YOU are. And if you are alone right now, please know that the only way we can keep expanding and growing, is by getting to know ourselves and the world around us. Keep love in your heart and spend time tapping into your phenomenal and expansive energy.
I believe we were plonked on this earth to provide the world with our spiritual gift. It would be a crime if you didn't take the time to work out what that is. I think I've worked mine out; eating more than Man Vs Food.
Love from someone who is chocolate covered and alone x